Moon, Light and Shadow




A Sub-par Reality?


Journal entry: 18th July 2014

I have to say, it has been less than a week since I came back from the most meaningful two weeks of my life and I am having some difficulty settling back in. I’ve always understood that there is a HUGE difference between doing what I want to do and doing what I have to do but I’ve never felt the difference this acutely before.

Adjustments and change have always been a bit tricky for me to navigate and I’m aware that it’s not ok to crawl into bed at 7pm just so I won’t be alone with my thoughts. I wake up early as usual, all excited about my day and raring to go at 4am. Then I remember that I have to spend most of my day in an un-fulfilling role, and I hide under the covers until I absolutely have to drag myself out of bed.

Those two weeks felt more real to me than this reality. While I understand that it will always feel more rewarding and fulfilling doing what I want to do instead if what I have to do, the experience was so much more than that.  I remember, on our last day, as we were having breakfast together for the last time, most of us were thoughtful and a bit sad. We all already knew that our lives were forever changed by this experience.

As we talked about what we each be doing the next day I had shrugged and said “Oh well, back to the real world.” Then immediately realized how incorrect that statement was. My life, my world before the Creative Retreat, now seems like the false one. My life has changed in ways I never would have dreamed and my reality before those two weeks  seems unreal to me now. 

Today 20th September:

I am still having dreams about writing, being around our workshop table and having excerpts to read. In the dreams I hear Professor Funso’s voice: “You must think about what it is you are trying to say.” Then ‘Aunty’ Merle says “But what you really mean by that?”

I wake up with words I have to write down which I quickly forget when thoughts of the office weasel their way in. But I am writing every day.

This was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Not just because of what I learned about writing but also because of the incredible people I met. I will never forget how it felt to meet and spend time with people who share this singular passion. We were all storytellers and it was an honour to have met so many brave, talented, interesting, warm and inspiring people.

Those two weeks have left an imprint on me. In so many ways. Since then I have added more value to my life by including more creative and purposeful endeavours.

Here’s to changing my life degree by degree.


The Lady At The Lighthouse

The Lady at The LighthousePhoto of me taken (and titled) by Kavita Ganness, one of my Cropper Sisters, on the last day of our Creative Workshop. We were at the Toco Lighthouse, squeezing in one more adventure before it was time to head back to “reality” and our old lives.

Weekend Getaway

Grand RiviereWhere I will be for the next three days: In a gorgeous cabin on the north coast of Trinidad surrounded by friends, birds, flowers, trees, peace and quiet. The Caribbean Sea is a two minute walk away and best of all, we are still in the leatherback turtle nesting season. 🙂

Camera: Check!    Notepad: Check!   Paint & Canvas: Check! Check!


Under The Banyan Tree

Last night I feel asleep with the TV on. It’s not something I like to do because I believe I am unable fall into a deep restful sleep if there is a flickering screen with continuous voices. But I was watching the animated series, Avatar, which I enjoy very much, and didn’t realise I’d fallen asleep, In the middle of the night I woke up, and the episode that was on, was the one in which Aang and his friends meet a waterbending master from the Foggy Swamp Tribe called Huu, who tells them:

“I reached enlightenment right here under the banyan grove tree. I hear it callin’ me, just like you did. See this whole swamp is actually just one tree spread out over miles… branches, spread and sink and take root and then spread some more – one big living organism, just like the entire world.

You think you’re any different from me? Or your friends‌? Or this tree‌? If you listen hard enough you can hear every living thing breathing together, you can feel everything growing. We’re all livin’ together, even if most folks don’t act like it. We all have the same roots, and we are all branches of the same tree.”

That is actually how I feel about everything and everyone around me. At the end of my last yoga class, our teacher gave us a little deck of cards to choose one from, which would be a personal message from the universe. I smiled when I read my message. It was one word: Freedom.

Sometimes it’s so sad: There are so many little signs, methods, practices, and ways of thinking that can help people, but most don’t know of them. It’s a way of life that has been unlearned over the history of mankind, generation after generation. Maybe that’s why so many people are lost. But I do have hope for our future. Many people are seeking truth, and yearning for ‘something’ they know they need even though they don’t know how to find it, or what ‘it’ is. They’re looking, which is enough for now.

I’ve always asked questions, always wondered and worried about the things I didn’t know and was always afraid because I could not understand the strange emptiness I felt sometimes. But, like I said, I’ve always been looking and I’m happy with the progress I’ve made over the years. Makes the future seem mysterious and exciting and vast!

I honestly wish the same for everyone, after all, we ARE all connected, in ways we are yet to understand, and what affects one, affects all. 🙂

The Act Of Leaving

“I was surprised, as always, be how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt. The world was suddenly rich with possibility.” Jack Kerouac


I posted this video on facebook today while watching a film called happythankyoumoreplease. I hadn’t heard about it before but watched another film written and directed by the same person, Josh Radnor, a few days prior, so felt like giving it a shot. During the movie, I heard this song and posted it on my page with a caption which read: “I received a gift today.” I did that because the song’s first few lyrics connected with me:
what are you so afraid of?
why are you feeling scared?
what’s the worst that’s gonna happen?
I know I’ve been holding myself back, out of fear mostly. Fear of the unknown, fear of opening myself up to love, fear of getting hurt, fear of failure. All of these fears were filling my mind and stopping me from moving forward, toward new adventures. They were taking up so much space in my mind and heart, leaving little room for appreciating what I do have and what I do know, and even less room for hope and promise. The song was a reminder to be open and to be brave and welcome new opportunities. I had to share it.
Ten, a few minutes later, one of the main characters, Annie, said: “About a year ago, I was in this cab, and the cab driver, this Indian guy starts telling me all sorts of stuff… He said, ‘You have great potential in this lifetime, and the key to your life is gratitude, you do not give it enough thanks.’ And I said, ‘Well, how do I do that?’ And he said, ‘Simple, say thank you!’…And he said after I say thank you, I should say more please… So that gratitude in the universe is eternally abundant.. so, I’ve been giving gratitude a shot. Thankyoumoreplease, thankyoumoreplease…” 
That quote resonated with me as well, as a reminder to do what I know: appreciate what I have, and welcome more.
Ok, so by this point I’m liking this unassuming little film, even if it’s simply because the characters are trying to find their way through life like everyone else, bungling and bumbling, like everyone else, fearing life, like everyone else. Like the other film I saw by Radnor, I understand what he was trying to do, and even though sometimes the dialogue seems over written and cliched, two additional quotes I’ll take away with me, just because I’m a hopeful romantic.
Sam #2: “It’s not easy to be adored – you in particular – you have a tougher time with it than most, I get that, but I want you to give it a try. Think of it as an experiment. I promise I will be very wonderful at adoring you Annie. It an area where, I think I got a great deal of talent. You’re worth the adoration Annie, you’re worth it, and the fact that you don’t believe it, has nothing to do with whether it’s true or not, it is true for me, and that is all that matters. “
Annie: “Sadness be gone, let’s be people who deserve to be loved, who are worthy, cause we are worthy.”


I do not Define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path.
I define myself by the Courage I’ve found to forge new roads.
I do not define myself by how many disappointments I’ve faced.
I define myself by the Forgiveness and the Faith I have found to begin again.
I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.
I define myself by how much I have Loved, and been willing to Love again.
I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down.
I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.
I am not my Pain.
I am not my Past.
I am that which has emerged from the Fire. ♥
~ Author Unknown

The Warrior Poet Awakes

Cold soles tread across sun warmed tiles
As my mind treads murky water.
A half moon rises to scale these walls,
Are you to be my muse?
Lights twinkle at me across the way
Reminding me a new saviour is born.
There is no need of one this time
As the cursor blinks at magic hour.

Some Days Just Aren’t Meant For The Office

Today is a day like that. I woke up this morning feeling a little surreal after some strange dreams. Upon checking the net I realized that yesterday was National Ice Cream Day. Now there’s a happy idea. I have no idea if it’s an American event (no doubt invented by Haagen Dazs or Ben & Jerry), but it doesn’t matter. I didn’t have ice cream yesterday and the little kid in me was beginning to pout at the thought of having missed out on an opportunity to indulge. There is a challenge I’m facing this week and I’m not sure I’m ready. I’ve been a bit worried about it this weekend and I didn’t really spend any time preparing for it. Rather than start my work week today and add work drama to an already confusing tumble of emotions I decided to spend some time with myself. My inner kid and I were taking the day off.
I put the kettle on, prepped my Stash White Christmas tea, (yes, I am aware it’s the middle of July but I like the white tea, peppermint and ginger root), and sang in the shower. Today is a day for singing, dancing, being creative and especially for venting! I figure that the weird dreams have a story they’d like to tell me so journaling is on the agenda for today. But before that comes the fun. I’ve learned that I reach my true self when I’m writing, or cooking, or just being creative with paints or crayons. To prepare for the upcoming challenge I’m going to have to be really honest with myself. My way to tap into that honesty is through my creative core. 
First things first: Cooking.
Lunch: Wakame Soup with Baby Spinach,
Mushrooms & Green Beans
Snacks: Black Olives,
Smoked Gouda & Port Salut Cheeses,
Crackers with Roasted Melongene

Dinner: Mushrooms, Green Beans & Garlic
with Angel Hair Pasta, Basil & Olive Oil

I’m enjoying my day so far. Some creative writing and photo editing are in order and a swim at 5pm. Have a wonderful day folks. Tap into your creative too, it will make you smile.

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